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| Sometimes,
I can't help but wonder if even the Autobahn can handle the speed in
which my thoughts race. Today I decided to put that very contemplative
facet to its best use and evaluate how I have been responding to those
I love the most. A few thoughts were undeniably disturbing if not
disappointing, while the remainder succeeded in providing a warm and
fuzzy, ticklish sensation to my very gut.
My
grandparents practically raised me and my sister. Despite the
incredible temper my sister and I had as children and adolescents, they
always loved us unconditionally. 
Having reached the age of 70 years yesterday, very few have aged
beautifully as my grandmother has. All her friends overtly show off
their Louis Vuittons and expensive pairs of shoes. My grandmother, very
meek, self-sacrificing, saves up her Louis Vuitton and Burberry Coat
she got as gifts in her closet to give to her little sister in Korea.
Despite her lack of elaborate accessories, makeup, and perfume, she
never fails to set herself apart with that va-voom she has from her stellar face, natural elegance, and distinct, cozy smell of powder. 
In Junior High, I used to yell at my grandmother of how embarrassed I
was because she put in carrots in my spaghetti for lunch once, or spoke
korean in front of my italian friends. 8th grade, she said I wasn't
allowed to go to church in Queens by myself at night, and well, I still
went and returned home around midnight and made her worry like crazy.
Whenever she asked me to babysit or translate English into Korean, I
showed her the cold shoulder. That's about all I remember, but I'm
pretty sure there were worse moments. In retrospect, I was a bitchy,
useless, unappreciative granddaughter. 
Thankfully, my grandmother's always forgiving and she always gives me numerous chances. She still prays for me, and cooks the same exact, delicious meals no different from 22 years ago.
She shows how much she loves me by feeding me every 20 minutes if not
every hour everytime I go back up to NY. Everytime, I politely decline
because I feel like my stomach's about to explode, she upsets me by
threatening me I'll never be able to eat her food once she's gone. 
Right now, I don't have enough money to take her on a grand trip, or
buy the things she may want or need. So I just try to talk to her via
phone and try to make her laugh with my personal stories about friends,
boys, sister, and parents. There was a point when I talked to her every
week, but now, I talk to her once a month. Lately, she's been leaving me insanely adorable voice messages telling me how much she misses me and her time has come.Her messages remind me that I need to go back to talking to her more often.
My grandfather is quite a character.
You name it,he'll speak it whether it be Japanese, English, or Korean.
He has that ability to shut people up the moment he opens his mouth,
and I'm pretty certain that's where I get my love for foreign languages
and obnoxious "desire to be heard" napoleon complex. He's short, but
his personality attempts to reach Yao Ming's height. He refuses to wear shirts without a left pocket. This stubborn man close to 80 years old has an Achilles' heel- his love for his granddaughter. He spoiled me rotten as a child and always shadily implied his good ole' days as a Korean Military Intelligence Officer.
According to my parents, he was quite a big deal. The Korean Government
recently sent him a letter saying, his death will be honored, and if he
wishes, he shall be buried in Korea. I was one of very few people who
saw his old gun collection, and his past photos. Oddly, he remembers all his contacts by memory till this day. He refuses to write down phone numbers. Never will I forget his interesting smoking habits that made him and his brown car smell musty, nor will I forget how he always wore a top hat and a trench coat, even in the middle of summer.
By the time I was able to walk and talk, as soon as 6 PM hit on
weekdays, I religiously waited for him to come home from work. A few
minutes later, I'd spot his top hat and I'd run towards him like a wild
stallion. Of course, he never failed to catch me with his short but sturdy arms. On Weekends, he always took me to the Staten Island Mall Diner to feed me burgers with trick candles on it. My parents always yelled at him because he ceaselessly bought me something. He
bought me red power wheels, countless barbies, not just a ring, but a
box of 81 rings in different gemstones...This poor man never knew how
to illustrate his love for his children the right way. He only knew how
to buy gifts and yell. This simple yet man full of secrets is my grandfather. 
Since childhood, I never said thank you to my grandfather. Never have I
expressed how grateful I was for all the little things he did for me
like when he cooked me Ichiban and sliced the most fresh Salmon sashimi every Sunday morning for just the two of us. Never
have I hugged him and told him I loved him just the way he was, the
good and the bad. Never have I reminded him how much of him is inside
my soul, in my very personality, my passion, my whole being.Whenever I
answer his phone calls, I would simply express how vexed I was by
yelling at him. 
Lately, he stopped calling me and it worries me. He used to call me
twice a day, at least, 5 times a week. His mind is clear as a starlit
sky, but his body's weak. God forbid he passes away any time soon. I
hope I can be back up to New York and live with him for a couple years
like the good old days. This time, I want to slice fresh Salmon for
him. This time, I want to buy him everything he wants. This time, I
want to spend time with him to learn Japanese, to take walks, to help
him quit smoking after I quit, to read him little devotionals and
scripture before he goes to sleep. This time around, I don't want him
to take anything but take and take as I once took and took. This time
around, I want to remind him how much he's loved, as he once
illustrated how I was beloved.
This
time around, I'm going be a giving, loving, caring granddaughter...I
will never fuck up again. I can't believe it took me close to 22 years
to figure all this out.
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